To Feel Again
by McGonagall's Bola
Summary: Lily's death took away all of his emotions, and Severus sought to fill the void... even if only once. AD/SS -REWRITTEN!


BETA READ by _nightserenade_

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The sky was darkening, the sun having spilled its last rays of the day upon the Earth. All was getting cloudy as well, and one didn't need a lot of imagination to believe that tonight lightning and thunder, likely combined with heavy rainfall, would overtake the heavens above. That kind of weather would suit these darker times better. Sunshine was often described as nice and all, but it had not felt very nice upon anyone attending the funeral of that afternoon.

Severus Snape's arms were tightly crossed as he stood in Albus' circular office, watching the darkening of the sky through one of the many windows. His expression didn't show it in any way, but tears lay on his cheeks, never getting the chance to dry as they quietly continued to run their way down from his dark eyes. Severus Snape was crying, showing evidence of what havoc the funeral of the Potters had caused upon him, too. He had gone to Hogwarts with both of them. True, he had never been particularly fond of James Potter – nor any of the other Marauders to be quite honest – but Lily...

One would not know that Severus Snape was crying unless they came very close; close enough to see the fresh tears with their own two eyes. Albus knew, however, even though he was calmly seated at his desk, fingertips touching together like they did so often when he was maybe thinking, but not saying much. He quietly eyed the dark figure at the window over his familiar half-moon spectacles. Severus had said no word since having entered his office half an hour earlier, and Albus couldn't bear the silence any longer.

He tried to speak with the best words of comfort he possessed, "You buried the woman you have loved since you were nine today, Severus. It is understandable for you to be sad about that."

Severus swallowed, not turning around to look at the Headmaster of Hogwarts; only continuing to stare at the increasingly cloudy sky through the window. He could see the weak glow of upcoming lightning far ahead. It wouldn't be long before the thunderstorm reached here as well. The weather reflected perfectly how Severus felt inside. "She wasn't ever mine, Albus," he spoke, his baritone never wavering.

Albus nodded, remaining seated at his desk as he entwined his fingers and rested his forehead against them. Severus was very careful not to let on how much pain he was really feeling. Maybe that was the reason why many people thought him incapable of feeling at all.

His presence at the funeral hadn't gone unnoticed. The look Remus had exhibited held nothing but anger towards the former Death Eater, as had the ones of others. He couldn't actually blame them after all that he'd done. However, once you became one of His, you would never be able to escape. You would fall prey to His cruelties yourself for even trying – the same cruelties that his direct enemies were shown. Once you even thought about leaving, you were His enemy as well and would not live much longer. Often enough it had been Severus' skill in Occlumency that had saved his life.

Dumbledore, however, had thought it to be a good idea to go with him there. It appeared to not have been at all. Not even the great Dumbledore, who had ruled over Grindelwald years earlier, could save him truly. His only option was continuing to lead two lives, and in both worlds people would continue to doubt his true loyalty. From the moment Lord Voldemort had laid eyes upon Lily, he had lost his best servant's loyalty, though. It was of much importance that He would never know of that fact, though.

Severus faintly wondered if there would ever be a real life for him, without him having to lead it double.

Another tear slipped off his eyelashes and he dabbed at it furiously, feeling the presence of Albus Dumbledore beside him.

Albus wearily eyed the younger man's face: the pale, gaunt countenance, the seemingly unseeing eyes staring straight ahead. Albus sighed, lifting his hand so that it came to rest upon the younger man's shoulder and weakly squeezing as he looked through the window as well. They stood watching the nearing, increasing lightning together for a while, the sound of rumbling thunder joining in from afar, until Severus could no longer bear it. Many might not believe it, but he was still human, and a human being could not deal with such void just like that all on one's own. He couldn't, either.

"Lily wasn't ever mine, and even though that fact... hurt," Severus said, his lips unused to speaking the word 'hurt', and having issues forming it, "it is nothing compared to how I feel now," he admitted.

Albus' ocean blue eyes momentarily closed, taking in the words and the meaning behind them. He truly must be hurting terribly to admit to feeling such a way. He allowed his hand to fall down. "Ah yes... Lily Potter's smile will never brighten up the room any more, and she truly had a unique yet easy manner of making everything around her appear to shine."

Severus' eyes flickered to the Headmaster finally, his head moving slightly. "Aren't you supposed to _not_ make it worse?" He snapped.

Albus nodded. "I apologize," he whispered, opening his blue eyes as he turned his head towards the window once again. He stared quietly at the angry dark clouds. It had already begun to drizzle and seemingly within seconds the sky broke open and it seemed to rain like never before. They could both hear the rain drops clatter against the roof overhead and the windows.

"It feels like being deprived of oxygen; of a purpose in life... even though..." Albus nodded sadly, hearing about the feeling he recognized so well. Severus then turned towards the old Headmaster suddenly. "I have never loved another but Lily, and now she's gone. It is like I no longer know how... to feel..." Their eyes connected then, and Severus swallowed visibly as if he was stifling his nerves for asking or saying something very difficult. Quite unexpectedly, he snorted. "I once overheard you talking to Minerva when I was in my second year here. You said that you were glad that she was in your life. And she replied that she felt just the same towards you and she was often sad that you didn't like women. I couldn't believe it at first, but the longer that I thought about it, the more plausible it seemed, even though there were rumours about you and the beautiful McGonagall."

Albus smiled sincerely this time. He did not have to ask if Severus had kept it quiet. The ever silent Slytherin boy he remembered from then would have kept the little secret. "Minerva McGonagall is an extraordinary woman, Severus. I hated having to deny her, but I'd never fool her in believing that I could love her the way she deserves."

Severus' dark eyes filled up with tears once again, and he swallowed, taking a few deep intakes of air and only deciding to speak after having done so. "If you truly want to save me, then make me feel again," he said, unusually soft for his customary behavior.

Albus lightly quirked his eyebrow, not fully understanding what Severus meant, or hoping that it wasn't what he thought he meant. Severus fell down to his knees at the Headmaster's feet, no longer able to keep fooling both Albus and himself. He couldn't bear it any more. The pain had consumed him so much that he didn't even feel a thing at all. He felt entirely numb, and desperately longed to feel again – even if it was only pain, for at least that was something and still better than nothing at all. He caught hold of the elder man's midnight blue robes and clutched them tightly in his fists. He truly had to restrain himself from not burying his face in the velvet material.

Albus sighed deeply, resting his hand upon the younger wizard's head. "Severus, I cannot and will not abuse you and take advantage of this weak moment."

"Albus... I am begging you," Severus whispered, no longer able to hold himself back for he pressed himself into the fabric of the other's robes finally.

Albus looked down upon the boy that had walked through the halls of Hogwarts, usually alone. He hadn't had the mark on his forearm yet then, even though other than that, overall in appearance he hadn't changed so much. It wasn't hard to see him still as the boy that had once attended. And in a lot of ways, he was nothing but a boy either. At twenty-one, one could hardly call Severus Snape a man, even though he carried the worries of one. Three years had passed since he had left the halls of Hogwarts and in those three years so much had changed... and so much of it was irreversible.

Albus briefly wondered if maybe he could have kept most of it from happening. Of course hindsight bias caused one to believe things had been predictable all along; even when they hadn't, but Albus knew that in this case it wasn't only hindsight bias rising to the surface. Oftentimes it were the loners who became trapped in the arms of upcoming, aspiring dictators. It had been the same with Grindelwald back then. On the other hand, Albus found bitter comfort in the truth that was often repeated to him by Minerva; that he could not save everyone.

Yet, Severus had been anything but a normal pupil. He'd been beaten at home by his often inebriated father, nearly totally neglected by his mother, never having felt anything like love for or from his mother and father. Of course, then Lily had come into his world with her girly, romantic ideas about love and how it was portrayed in novels and on television. He could imagine them sitting together at the local playing field, sitting right opposite each other with Lily talking enthusiastically about her lovely ideas of the fairytales that her mother read to her and Severus sitting there listening and hanging onto her every word.

He had only gotten reassurance about Severus' past when he had come back to beg for her safety. That night nothing but truth and secrets had been spoken – everything between them entirely bare. However, he had suspected something far earlier already. Shouldn't he have sought for reassurance then and maybe kept it from happening if he could? Looking at the damaged man right now, he couldn't help but ask himself those questions over and over again and in the end he beat himself up over the answers. Maybe he could have kept all of this from happening; maybe he could have kept Severus from being pulled through Tom Riddle's hell. He couldn't save everyone, but was one not better than no one still? Could he not at least have tried? Could it not have been that by saving Severus, he could have saved others indirectly as well?

Dumbledore lowered himself down to his knees as well, clasping his hands over Severus' and squeezing. "Severus, I have caused you enough damage as it is by not interfering when I still could; before all this happened. I will not cause you any more. I will not take advantage of your current state of mind for my own benefits."

At once, Severus quite surprisingly let go of Albus' robes, and turned aside his head, holding onto the window pane. He was trying to get upright, but his knees were weak. "I get it..." he said, new tears filling up his eyes. "I was never enough for Lily either... And I was only good enough for Lord Voldemort as a..." he sniffled, and therefore the rest of his words were inaudible, "I know I am not someone even satisfactory, but Albus, just please tell me already, instead of dancing around the subject, and ..."

"Severus, please do not be ridiculous," he whispered, looking at the young Slytherin. "Come here, my boy," he whispered, and offered his hand invitingly as Severus looked at him and their eyes connected. A few seconds of hesitance passed by until Albus wrapped his arms around the younger man. He felt his body stiffen, then relax, and soon enough his shoulders began shaking. Albus knew that this wasn't only because of Lily, but also for the many regretful decisions he had taken after he had had to see his enemy James Potter take off with her. Maybe things would have been different had he been the one getting married to Lily. One could of course never say for sure, but Albus had a strong inclination towards that idea.

The splay of emotions increased in intensity before weakening again, and eventually silence overtook, which was eventually broken by Severus. "Please, Albus... Even if only tonight, make me feel something again. I can feel you want it as well."

Blue orbs connected with black ones, and Severus blindly reached for the half-hard evidence of Albus' own arousal through the material of his robes. Albus' eyes closed and he refrained himself from gasping aloud. He slowly lowered his hand and pushed aside Severus'. "Severus..." he began, not opening his eyes. His voice sounded rather shaky. "I won't..."

"Albus..."

Ocean blue opened up to black once again, and the part of Albus that saw so much of the little boy that had once attended Hogwarts into the burgeoning man before him would not agree with the pleading look in his eyes. However, the emotions that begged within Albus stirred and eventually won, and then Albus quietly nodded.

They continued looking at one another for a while, until Albus finally leaned in and cautiously kissed Severus' neck, leaving light, near ghost-like kisses there, before suddenly pulling away again. He rose, offering both of his hands to help Severus up after him. There was much more behind it than the elder Headmaster helping the lost young man upright.

Their eyes remained connected the entire time, even as Severus quietly began to undo the Headmaster's robes until they were entirely opened.

He couldn't help but notice the same hard evidence beginning to grow with Severus, and he was glad he didn't have to say it before Severus did. "Maybe we should move this elsewhere?" He suggested, vaguely nodding toward the frames in which the former Headmasters sat at the edges of their seats. Albus merely nodded.

Once they ended up in the bedroom and the door fell shut behind both of them, they sat themselves down on the bed next to each other in silence. A few seconds passed by, until Severus suddenly reached for the elder man's arousal, squeezing it. He dropped to his knees at his feet and beginning to lick him from the bottom up a few times, before taking him in fully and then sucking hard while bobbing his head up and down. "Sev-Sever..." Albus said in between gasps, screwing his eyes open by pure force of will and seeing the look of discomfort on Severus' face. No matter how enjoyable Severus' ministrations were, that look pushed aside all of that. It made him feel sick as understanding easily and finally dawned upon him.

"Severus, stop," Albus finally managed to say, slightly pushing against his shoulder. Severus fell back, his eyebrow quirking at what Albus had just done; not quite getting it. Had it not been good enough? Had it been too rough? He then closed his eyes at his own stupidity, and began waving his hands about in annoyance with himself. He never should have come to Albus like that. "Severus, stop!" Albus repeated, watching Severus' wild behavior. The young man before him became rigid, obeying Albus' slightly raised voice like a House Elf. Albus sighed, closing his eyes then and burying his head in his hand, patting the bed beside him with the other. "Come here," he whispered a whole lot softer, and a wisp of guilt cut across his heart as he saw the young man – still a boy – come toward him in obedience, and sit down beside him.

Albus took a deep, steadying breath before letting his hand fall away and opening his eyes, only then looking at Severus. "Severus, is the feeling you seek to experience pain?" Severus nodded, frowning in a way that could have meant 'of course', as if another answer would have been absurd. Albus nodded again. "Severus," he said in the softest tone he could muster. "I'm nothing like him," he said, even though sometimes he didn't quite know that was true. Severus didn't really know what to make of that comment, so he just continued staring at the man with the mesmerizing blue eyes. "Am I right to assume you have never been on the giving end of the equation?" Albus questioned.

Severus eyed him a few heartbeats in silence. "No," he admitted. "Why?" He then shrugged his shoulders in a 'so what' fashion.

Albus sighed once again – a familiar gesture for him. "Severus, it doesn't only have to hurt," he said. "In fact, it is not supposed to hurt… at all. It is supposed to be enjoyable and equal in giving and receiving." Severus nodded at that, getting up and moving in the direction of the door. It had been a mistake for sure; nothing else. Albus' clear voice, however, broke through the silence and cut across the room, stopping him. "Am I right to assume you're so used to only giving that you're afraid of receiving?"

The question lingered between them a while longer, and Severus did not turn to face him once again, but nor did he make a move to continue towards the door in order to leave. "Of course I'm not," he replied in the same snappy tone that would become his trademark later.

A sad smile came across the elder Headmaster's features. "I would never purposefully cause any harm, but I will admit that it will very likely be... different, at least... frightening, possibly, to receive for the first time, unless... you have, maybe before?" Severus eyed him over his left shoulder and sighed, before shaking his head. "Ah," Albus voiced. "I thought so."

"I cannot possibly accept that."

"You can," Albus said, slowly raising. Severus turned towards the sound of the elder man's feet upon the floor of his bedroom, where it was still heavenly quiet. Somehow, the sounds of the heavy rain and the lightning and thunder outside were blocked out. His hand landed upon the younger man's shoulder and once again their eyes connected – another familiar gesture between them that night. "But, you'll have to want it as well. You'll have to allow it to be enjoyable."

Albus took the final leap then, and leaned forward to capture the man's soft lips. The response came almost immediately, and slowly they began walking each other to the bed, where they would make it as enjoyable as was possible.

Severus gave once and eventually received twice until they both lay back in bed panting with satisfaction. Tears, however, filled his eyes as the thought of Lily twirling around in a flowery yellow dress, her hands on her burgeoning belly, filled his mind suddenly. He had been so jealous that she had been carrying James Potter's child and not his. More images of Lily filled his mind, flashing by at an incredible rate. They all had one thing in common: she was laughing aloud or at least smiling wide like only she could. Oh yes, she had been able to light up everything upon entering a room, no matter how sad it might have been before she entered.

"You'll miss her for a while longer before it'll tamper off. Lying doesn't help anyone," Albus murmured as Severus turned his head. And then he was a little boy again, as he nuzzled in the elder man's side, laying his head down on Albus' chest before falling asleep, the loads of hormones that had been produced during their love making finally doing the trick.

Albus took off his eyeglasses, putting them aside on the night table, before settling comfortably in the bed, never letting go of Severus. "May you be free of any nightmares, my boy," he whispered. He sighed.


End file.
